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Giving something a harmless name does not in fact make it harmless
“Oh I got catfished” “John Doe was actually Jane Doe, they were catfishing me.”
“Did you hear? Suzie was a victim of a catfish?”
And since we love to blame the innocents, the victims, the next sentences usually follow
“Wow, I’d never be that dumb to fall for some lies on the internet!” “How could she be so stupid to fall in love with someone she never met?” “I am such idiot for not catching the lies.”
We have even given it a tv show so we can laugh at all the stupid lonely people who thought they found love. Pathetic morons that they are!
But catfishing isn’t harmless. It destroys. It destroys trust in other people. It destroys hope that people really aren’t evil jerks. It destroys hope of finding that special someone.
But the worst? The really worst. It destroys trust in yourself. Because in hindsight all the signs are easy to see so why didn’t you?
It hurts because your heart is broken but you’re told you were an idiot for even thinking it was real in the first place.  Just get over it.
How does one even go about rebuilding trust in their own heart?
Catfish a harmless word that is far from it.



Humans love to use labels
Love to label other people into neat little boxes
We learn young that if we don’t label ourselves someone else will
Sometimes other people will even if we do
In high school I started putting together my labels
Like armour, worn proud, protecting myself
Jewish, Female, Chronically ill, Liberal, Straight, Virgin, Good girl, Smart, Geek, Happy, Funny
Overtime some of the those labels began to hurt, become too tight,
Straight became bisexual
Good girl became addict
Happy became depressed ptsd suffer
Some didn’t change no matter how much I wished
Chronically ill only shifted to include chronic pain
I hoped that the labels might help me find my place in humanity
Sometimes they did, Sometimes they didn't
I seemed to keep forgetting to try to change the labels that mean anything
But I keep using my labels as armour, protection
When what I really need to do is shift being alone to with friends



Normal is such a funny concept
Because deep down there is no normal
Not a normal that we are taught by society anyway
That normal is a myth
A fiction to torture ourselves over for not fitting
We can make our own normals
Be happy with them
But every now and then a song, movie, show, something
Will remind us that we really don’t fit again,
We feel alone again, not normal again
Millions of people feeling alone because they aren’t normal
Normal is such a funny concept


I'm a special Zebra

There is an old saying "When you hear hooves, think horses not zebras. Common before exotic." Yeah...I'm always the medical version of a zebra. Even my surgeon and general doc agree I need a zebra tattoo.
On March 25th I finally when into have my total hysterectomy. I had been in pain for years. Tried tons of things and nothing helped but doctor's kept saying I was too young. Finally at 31 I got a doctor to agree. It was also discovered I had at least one large cyst that was bigger than my ovaries. Because of my previous surgeries I knew it would be an open procedure. I don't care about the scar I want the pain gone. I want a life again.
Read more...Collapse )
I wake up from surgery only to be given a blow. My uterus had decided to fuse to my spine. I made the doctor repeat that several times because I had never heard of that happening. Neither had my doctors. Apparently I was a mess inside and it was getting to the point I was going need a blood transfusion they made the choice to stop fighting with my uterus since it appeared relatively healthy. Next they had to call in an urologist because they were afraid of cutting the blue wire instead of red. Again because I was a mess since I guess without a colon and rectum it made even more space for the disease to flourish. Eventually they removed my ovaries and fallopian tubes. Plus what endometriosis they could.
I was upset but she assured me that without the ovaries I should feel better. We started me on a super low dose hormone patch. The day before I was leaving the hospital I got a heavy period. But I was too worried because I know it takes a little bit for hormones to get out of the body. And I went home to start my recovery.
Three weeks later I started having pain that felt like I was waking up from surgery again. Of course my surgeon couldn't see me. I saw my primary care doctor who was pretty sure it was a seroma. This can happen but usually doesn’t show up three weeks after. But he didn't want to touch me and called the surgeons office. They got me in with a covering doctor. She argued with me that this was normal recovery pain. No. This is not my first surgery. This is not my first surgery that problems arose. I know what normal recovery is. Finally she agreed to stick a needle in me and see. Guess what? Yeah, she was wrong. Almost three syringes later I left sore but already feeling a little better.
But that wouldn't last. Because 31 days after surgery I got a second period. I saw the surgeon who gave me a deer in headlights look. But she said okay this could still be normal we could still be okay. She switched my hormones to oral. And said finger crossed I won't get a third because then she'd be worried they missed ovarian tissue.
So we all waited nervously. As it got close to the end of the month I started to notice signs that usually mean I'm about to start my period but I kept telling myself I was wrong. And then...BAM. Exactly 29 days after my last period I got a third period since having my ovaries removed.
I started crying. I was so disappointed and upset. It felt and feels like what is the point of this new 7 1/2 inch scar if I'm back at the start again?
At the moment I am now off hormones for the next few weeks. She is doing blood work to test what my body is still producing on its own. And then we'll see where we go from there. I've been having mild menopause symptoms so I guess that is good? I dunno anymore.
But now I'm wondering if I was stupid for letting someone local touch me. Most of my surgeries in the past were at UCSF, Cal Pacific or Stanford. Yet, everyone assured me this was straight forward common surgery.
My surgeon looked like she wanted to cry when I told her I got a 3rd period.
And to add insult to injury? I found out about two weeks after surgery the man I was in love with for the last year and half, the man I thought was also dealing with a serious medical condition, the man who half joked/half serious about marrying me? Yeah, he was nothing but a lie. I'm not sure he is even a he. I was a victim of Catfishing.

*waves shyly* Happy New Year!

It's been a very up and down year for me. I've been spending a lot of time playing rp characters on Tumblr. In fact I met someone on there and we've grown very close over the last year. He asked me to marry him, but he was under heavy pain meds at the time, so I told him I have to meet him face to face first. It does sound like a bad soap opera at times. Because a month after I figured out I'd developed a crush on him, he got diagonsed with stage five kidney failure. He has dialysis three times a week and is waiting for a transplant. In June/July I had a month and half long kidney stone debacle that caused my PTSD to flare horrible due to shitty treatment by the doctor. In August my mother almost died of Pneumonia. And then a few works later she almost died again from a blood clot. The dog had cancer and had to have a toe amputated. But seriously, that all sounds bad but really I'm just very grateful for all the wonderful people who stuck by me through this horrible ordeal. And my best friend did give birth to the cutest baby girl on Earth.

And I'm hoping 2013 is way better. Things already have great potential. I get to be a bridesmaid for the first time in my best friend's wedding in March. And the guy is being told that a transplant is actually likely in the next six months at the latest. 

As to my fics, I am still writing just not posting anything but I promise soon.

Fun way to show my weightloss!

  • Aldis Hodge and Me, Jan '11
  • Mark Sheppard and Me, Feb '12 (More of a true smile because right before they took the photo Mark read my shirt and said "that's brilliant!")

I have AMAZING friends!

I turned 30 on Dec 15, before my birthday I was little stressed over it but once it happened I was good with it. There is some other family drama with my grandparents but I'm not letting effect me, except I might a little sappier than normal. So I'm obsessed once again with super heroes. So I sent my party invitation with a picture I found of super hero cupcakes, the plan was dinner and going to see Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. My friend asked if those cupcakes were a hint at what I wanted on my b-day. I said I wouldn't turn them down. In a second you'll see the pics but she just shook her head that yes I really was basically crying in a restaurant over cupcakes! The first photo is the invitation and the rest are her work. She made 2 dozen of them. And top of the cupcakes my friends brought a doctor who graphic novel for me and spider-man, captain america and iron man bubble bath. Plus around 40 people wished me Happy Birthday on FB, and I actually interact with most of them or could call them if I needed too, Around 5 years ago I was celebrating with my parents and dog. I'm just really really grateful for everyone that accepts me as I am in this moment, flaws and all. This is why anything my grandparents do or think of me will never matter.

  • Her: So I met this guy who went to the movies with my boy and me, but he wanted us to know something before hand. He got all serious and said he was different, he had an ostomy. I had to work hard to not laugh. I told him that I knew someone who had one it didn't make him special. He didn't believe me at first and was a little shocked that we both(her boy and her) didn't seem phased. What I didn't tell him was 'Please, when you are female Jewish bisexual maybe asexual 30yr virgin who has an ostomy then maybe I'll call you special'
  • Me: Yup, that's me a rare special unicorn. People believe older virgins exist they just don't expect to see them. So I am a unicorn.
  • Her: Oh, I like that! I love unicorns! You are my special unicorn.

Something About That Boy, Part 4

Something About That Boy
By: Mistress Titania
Rating: M
Warnings: Timelines? What timelines?
Crossover: The Avengers movieverse, BtVS tv
Pairings: Loki/Xander, Coulson/Hawkeye, pre-slash Steve/Tony
Summary: Xander decides it is time to tell his father some information but doesn’t expect his friends.

Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel or any of the other fandoms nor am I making any money from this. If I did own them there would be a lot more GLBT Superheroes.

Warnings: This will probably be combined Movieverse with some The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes since I just got all of Season 1 on DVD. Also I still think this is mostly crack/humor there is plot finding its way into the story. And my brain is making a large background for it too. Bonus points for anyone who catches all the other fandom references.

Notes: Because I had Xander say he'd been working with the Slayer for 10yrs here is my timeline, it is still very loose but what I'm working with is that events in the show are all moved forward 5 years. So the Hellmouth was destroyed in 2008 in this universe. Xander is around 25, Dawn is physically around 21 and Faith is around 24. 


Private Storytime with Dad...Collapse )

Hannibal King, the Vampire Hunting Dog

(Her name is really Lanna Banana, sadly she has been at the shelter since May!)


doctor duck
Mistress Titania

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